wrapping your gifts
wrapping your gifts
2021-12-21 02:32:13 +0000 UTC View Post
lauraperlongo posts
sweating out tequila this morning like 🤢🏋🏻♀️ lol It was Sa..
sweating out tequila this morning like 🤢🏋🏻♀️ lol
It was Santa con in NYC over the weekend which means drunkk Santa’s roam the streets wreaking chaos and clogging the sewers with drugstore quality poly-rayon hats. It’s cliche to hate it but who can resist. Fake beards dribbling whiskey onto your kid’s heads as they swing about the streets at 1pm bleary eyed and blocking traffic. The sagging pants. The soggy white fur cuffs high-fiving their shared interest in bastardizing the patron saint of children.
But, ya know, it’s festive. It also happens to be my best friend’s birthday weekend. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. Me and the drunkk Santa’s going toe to toe, shot for shot, on who will celebrate longer and harder. They’re empirically the worst and yet here I am caroling for carol alongside em. God Bless em those drunkk Santas. God bless em.
can never decide if i should coat check or not
can never decide if i should coat check or not
2021-12-11 02:57:53 +0000 UTC View Posti like my days long n my showers hot
i like my days long n my showers hot
2021-12-08 03:01:44 +0000 UTC View Poststrands keep burning out 🤦🏻♀️
strands keep burning out 🤦🏻♀️
2021-12-05 02:08:48 +0000 UTC View Posti saw mommy kissing Santa claussss… only it was a Santa Cla..
i saw mommy kissing Santa claussss…
only it was a Santa Claus ornament bc MOMMY HAS ALREADY LOST HER GD MIND IN THE XMAS QUALIFIER (ie thanksgiving). If anyone tryna kiki on holidays gone mad hmu. Traditions that helped you make sense of time and space gone awry?People lost feeling…lost again? Countless familial relationships in desperate need of repair just slappin a red n green bandaid on it in the name of Saint Nick? ✔️✔️✔️ It’s really just an awful time for everyone. BUT STARBUCKS HAS THOSE CUTE LIL RED CUPS? 🤗
Anyway, Thanksgiving weekend was hard just like it was probably hard for anyone with lil kids. Apparently new baby compounds toddler holiday drama behavior and really has you questioning why you don’t just become a Jehovah witness minus the celebrating Jesus part too. TAKE IT ALL AWAY WE (THEY*) DONT DESERVE YOU. But no, year after year I live and breathe the holidays like a total fucking idiot.
Cuz who can resist dragging their kids to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. And then getting the tree. And then, well I mean we have to bake cookies! And do you even HAVE a tree if no one comes to your house to see it!?!? (parties parties parties 🧟♀️🎄🧟♀️). Oh and we need good pictures of all of it! SMILE KIDS! And then list-making, gift-buying and the stress of planning stressful travel and we’re rounding out the first weekend of the “holiday season” and it’s not even December yet (lol)
But ok ok reeeeeling it in. Of course I’m thankful I get to do all this stuff. Even if it’s to the soundtrack of fighting kids and screaming babies once in awhile you see them smile and hug each other to the tune of Bing Crosby’s “it‘s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”. Better yet you take em shopping for the school toy drive and let them go bananas for kids in need. Teach em what matters while you’re busy doing all the stuff that doesn’t matter but kinda matters? Like stressing about where to hang the stockings “with care”…Meanwhile wondering if doing all the holiday prep and decorating just builds up the impossible weight of tradition on my kids shoulders.
Coercing them to become nostalgic for a Christmas I too am “nostalgic” for. AM I PERPETUATING UNHEALTHY HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS!? Anyway 😵💫😵💫😵💫 i better stop thinking and just drink my wine…right? right. I’m still allowed to love Christmas right? right! Ok cool good talk. hahah 😳
But yes! Happy thanksgiving! happy December?🤞🤩🤞 Hope you’re well and the Thanksgiving weekend wine down feels as good as mine. 😛
Have a great week.
kinda miss lookin like a stuffed turkey not gonna lie…🤗 Hap..
kinda miss lookin like a stuffed turkey not gonna lie…🤗
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! 🌽
hi i got a haircut and it’s swimsuit weather in New York… b..
hi i got a haircut and it’s swimsuit weather in New York…
but make it Christmas?
💦🎄❤️❤️❤️
Ok baby back asleep sooooo….no more excuses?….6 weeks postpa..
Ok baby back asleep sooooo….no more excuses?….6 weeks postpartum and it’s time to face the music 😳 haha jk it’s fine I’m fine I’ll just avoid low rise jeans until the end of time etc etc
This is just to say postpartum is WAY harder than being pregnant, at least for me. I feel a bit like a deflated balloon (to be fair this will be the closest I’ll ever get to being an actual deflated balloon*) and the hormone rollercoaster, lack of time, lack of sleep and presence of new things to not like about your body can all be really overwhelming. BUT it will pass. The skin will sort itself out (maybe) and the baby won’t wake up every 6 seconds and I’ll have time for “sit-ups or whatever” haha, in the meantime trying to focus on new baby smells. HEAVEN! And trying NOT to have emotional outbursts in public. THE OPPOSITE Of HEAVEN! (I have some great public crying stories from this week but now I’m voice texting this caption while walking the baby in the stroller so I’ll save em LOL)
With each new baby I’m reminded that everybody is going through something and in some cases, a LOT of somethings. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to each other. Something that looks smooth on the surface might be all poochy wrinkled underneath (or whatever the emotional version of that is etc etc haha). Be gentle.
Thanks for being here w me 🥰
was about to do a postpartum body update but then the baby w..
was about to do a postpartum body update but then the baby woke up lol sryyyyy
2021-11-09 18:53:11 +0000 UTC View Post
all day every day… i would expand on that but you know the ..
all day every day…
i would expand on that but you know the 📏
guess i was that snapchat dog filter? idk lol kids had fun n..
guess i was that snapchat dog filter? idk lol kids had fun now imma raid their candy while they sleep 🤫🤫🤫
(In all fairness it’s the least they can do for destroying my bathroom w face paint and making me take them out twice bc before dark it “didn’t feel like Halloween yet” lol, gotta love em)
Hope you all had a great weekend!!! 💋💋💋
been tied up in the laundry room with these filthy DMs 🙄🪢👐
been tied up in the laundry room with these filthy DMs 🙄🪢👐
2021-10-29 01:58:36 +0000 UTC View Postyaooo sry for delay on posts just turns out newborn life pl..
yaooo
sry for delay on posts just turns out newborn life places unexpected challenges on oF life (SHOCKING, i know haha). But it’s not impossible! Luckily babies love hair dryers and bouncing. 😳😛 Postpartum multitasking is the new pregnancy boredom? Don’t worry imma get those leather pants tho Yan! Haha ❤️
Lack of time mixed with hormone-fueled decisions HAS gotten me in a little hot water over the last 24 hours. Made the mistake of recycling an oF pic for Instagram. LOL. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now to only post agreeable mom content there. A zoomed in pic of my lil leftover pouch woulda crushed. “LOOK AT THIS HERO.” But eh, who has the time? haha 🤷🏻♀️
anyway, you all the best, hmu I’m probably breastfeeding ❤️
happy saturday! And i mean it! Haha. 3 weeks postpartum an..
happy saturday! And i mean it! Haha.
3 weeks postpartum and feeling a bit more like myself thank god. Crazy body shift, for starters. Look at the side by side! Emotions a bit off the rails but that’s expected. Last week was a disaster with three kids all home from school (a classroom covid case), another clogged duct and just general “baby blue” malaise that is biologically unavoidable.
The emotional recovery from OF taking down my breastfeeding / pumping post was an example of how aggressive that post-baby hormone come down can be. I was SHAKING mad. Haha. To be fair, I should have been. Boobs are great. Pretty sure we all love them on here. And you know when boobs are the greatest!? When they are making milk, obviously.
For an app that claims to be more than just for porn where creators can really “be themselves” - but to turn around and randomly delete a deeply personal attempt to educate and build awareness around something that affects every single woman’s body who has a baby bc it might offend some asshole’s erection…well, fuck off.
But after taking a break (once the shaking anger subsided) I decided I can still privately consult and continue sharing my postpartum journey. That is, until they decide sharing emotions is also “tab0o” and ultimately just come clean and admit the app is for anti-human fuck robots.
Anyway, IM FINE THINGS ARE GREAT. 💁🏻♀️ Haha. Belly has gone down a lot and I can button a few of my pre-pregnancy jeans. I still can’t quite work out - waiting the full six weeks til the Dr clears me (working out, especially the abdomen, too early can do more harm than good and WONT speed up your 6 pack btw)
But overall feeling good and strong. And, at times…super angry. lol. Bear in the woods w her cubs type angry. Word to the wise, don’t pick a fight with a postpartum mom. Avoid at all costs. She WILL destroy you (cry a little) then squirt milk on your ashes. Godspeed! 💦❤️💦
(also, hi ☺️, feels good to be back)
triple kid nap 👉 parenting level 1000
triple kid nap 👉 parenting level 1000
2021-10-02 18:44:21 +0000 UTC View Post5 days postpartum! 🤯 Of course i still look 4-5 months preg..
5 days postpartum! 🤯
Of course i still look 4-5 months pregnant (as my almost 5yr old keeps mentioning 🙄 lol) but the fact that a week ago there was a full grown baby in there is outrageous.
To be fair the emotional bounce back is cuz it’s my third baby. If you haven’t tried going for 3 i highly recommend skipping 1 and 2 and just doing the third. Much much easier to just know what you’re doing and not tear and all that (lol).
Flippant jokes aside I was high key terrified going into this labor. My 2nd’s shoulder getting stuck and subsequent drs suggesting I get a cesarean gave me pause. Should I have just listened? Was switching to a Dr who agreed with me to try vaginal delivery life-threateningly dumb? Luckily I was able to find enough research to say that a vaginal delivery after a shoulder dystocia is generally OK but that research also suggested early induction to avoid a large baby. My doctor saw no need for induction, in fact she quickly shut me down when I brought it up (and since i know how much inductions suck, many resulting in cesarean anyway, decided to just go with her program). Having said that, armed with my google degree and watching my due date come and go was soul-crushingly scary.
When I finally went into active labor naturally at 40 weeks 4 days, I still couldn’t calm that voice in my head. “You’re gonna die…” All week little signs kept popping up convincing me these were my last days on earth. The funeral episode of Ted Lasso, randomly seeing skull stickers all over the neighborhood, sad death-themed songs wafting through restaurants and coffee shops …kinda like a bad mushroom trip only I was sober and the universe was trying to tell me to get my affairs in order. I almost wrote my kids a goodbye letter. I didn’t. Felt too dark, even for me.
When active labor hit Friday eve my daughter point blank said “if this doesn’t go well are you going to live in the stars?” Gutted. After wanting labor to start for so long suddenly I wanted it to stop…My kids need me. I can’t die, maybe I’ll just get a cesarean? Pushing is where the shoulder gets stuck and everyone dies, right?
I showed up to the hospital at 5cm in excruciating pain, got an epidural at 6cms and felt… high. In a good way. We waited. My heart rate was low so they gave me ephedrine which is basically speed. My doula and I talked for hours about who knows what. Nev fake-slept. (He admitted later he was nervous too) I was shaking the entire time. Coulda been the drugs but deep down I knew it was the fear of pushing. Seven hours of this nervous pre-death shake-talking and it was time…
Everyone gathered around. Lots of extra nurses. I held my legs w my arms, pressed my 7 stone scepter point into my thumb and pushed as hard as I could (toward an early death no doubt). FIRST PUSH. I felt the head. Ok well that was fast. But the head was never my concern. Next contraction I pushed again. SECOND PUSH. I knew part of the baby was out of me but was terrified to look. The nurses all started to tell me to hold my breath the next push and I began to tell them I didn’t want to break bl00d vessels in my face (god I’m annoying lol) and the doctor suddenly just said “No she doesn’t need to push again” and my heart sank. The baby was stuck. I knew it.
But wait no! Then she said LOOK! And I looked down and THERE HE WAS. Totally out. Two pushes. I started laughing. Sobbing? It’s a blur but I was alive and he was alive and…wait TWO PUSHES? That was it!?
I’m still totally shocked. In the best most alive way ever.
So yep. Here I am. With the audacity to complain about my lil postpartum belly. Ridiculous. Moral of the story is…trust your instinct? But that can’t be right bc my instinct was that I was gonna die. Trust your body? Your doctor? (Well your doctor after the other doctor you didn’t trust?)
Haha 🤷🏻♀️, all I know is I feel SO lucky. And happy. And shocked it doesn’t hurt to p3e.
But no more babies.
(Don’t quote me on that 😇)
the good thing about going past your due date is extra time ..
the good thing about going past your due date is extra time for bump pics? Haha
40 weeks 1 day! 🥳🥳🤦🏻♀️
40 WEEKS! WE MADE IT. 🍾🍾🍾 (Whatever that means tbh haha) ..
40 WEEKS! WE MADE IT. 🍾🍾🍾
(Whatever that means tbh haha)
eating ALLLLL the humble pie this week. Coulda sworn last week was my week. 3cm dialated, contractions every night, it just FELT close. But nahhhhh, this lil babe has something else in mind so now we wait. (And get foot massages and curb walk and lie in strange positions and make everyone we see press on random parts of our hands and shins lol) At least I feel great during the day, even energized. Nighttime is another story…
Full moons are supposed to bring on babies (although google says that’s bullshit so 🤷🏻♀️ we’ll seeeee) Either way I’m happy to charge my crystals and set good intentions for the birth and beyond under a big round harvest moon. Feels right.
Sending you all the positive vibes. Bounce some back my way and talk sooooooon. 🚀🚀🚀
